British ex-pat Nicki Leaper is all about making intentional choices. She talks about being brave enough to put what you really want on paper and watch it happen.
Originally published Jan 29, 2019
Transcript link (uncorrected machine translation)
British ex-pat Nicki Leaper is all about making intentional choices. She talks about being brave enough to put what you really want on paper and watch it happen.
[00:00:09]Welcome back to the I Am Virago podcast, where we get real about the struggle, drop the occasional F-bomb, and hear how amazing Virago women imperfectly navigate the world around them.
[00:00:20] British ex-pat Nicki Leaper is all about making intentional choices. Three
years ago, she realized the path she was on wasn't serving her. So she wrote a letter
from her future self describing how her world had transformed. And it worked. She is
now a successful coach working in the ex-pat community in Shanghai and leading others
toward their most authentic lives here. Her process and learn how you can do the same.
So grab that cup of ambition and let's get started.
[00:00:51] Hi, I'm Nicki, and I'm the whole other end of the day to you in Shanghai to
pay the bills. I coach and consult in a design agency as well as run my own coaching
practice. And I'm passionate about getting people to realize the amount of power they
have in their lives with the choices they make.
[00:01:14] Can you tell me more about that?
[00:01:16] It's a really little thing, it seems, but it's also not the idea that everything you
want is actually in the power of your choice. So if you dream something, if you really
want something, if you can be brave enough to put it out there so that you want to get
really clear what it is that you want, then actually you're really capable of making the
choices to move in that direction. It's not magic. It just requires clarity of vision and a
desire to make the choices that go with it.
[00:01:46] And how does one get to that clarity of vision?
[00:01:49] By answering a lot of questions, really, honestly and my coaching practice, I
have this thing where I ask people, what, five wishes here? Like, I'll I'll give you a pencil
or I'll give you whatever I have in my hand like care. It's magic wand. You've got five
wishes what you want. And it's amazing how much it stumps people when they given
this. And it's, you know, caveated. You can't have world peace and you can't cure
cancer just because and when people are really made to think about what it is that they
want. It takes a while and people might think that they're not happy or they'd really like
something different. And it's a world capital. Tell me what you want. Let's start getting
really clear on what what do you actually want? Like if you could change things. What's
the detail of what those changes are and what it looks like? Because without putting that
work in, you don't stand a chance of getting to where you want to be. And that's the fun
bit as well, because you get to be brave and to dream and to empty out everything that's
in your head and your stomach and your guts, that you're far too petrified to tell anyone
you want. But once you've done it, it's like, oh, well, what's the first thing you could do to
move you towards that?
[00:02:56] So when you're working with your clients, what exercise could you
recommend to help someone really narrow that down?
[00:03:04] My favorite is take the time frame you want to work on one year, 18 months,
two years, whatever is for you. Not super quick and not five years. Ten years. Plans are
too hard to do that. So 18 months, say, and then write yourself a letter from where you
are there. I call it the Life Leap letter and imagine your letter. So I'm 18 months from
now. And everything I want. I've got what actually is that because I'm there and I've got
it so I can tell myself today what it feels like, what it looks like, how I spend my time,
what I spend my days doing, what my sofa looks like. Whatever is relevant to me. But
right it freeform. In a letter to yourself and don't edit it. Don't limit yourself. Don't do all
that. That's not possible. All of that couldn't happen. All that would never come out. Just
word vomit on a page until it's all out of you. And it's amazing what comes up if you're
brave enough to put down on paper what it is that you really want. And you can look at it
from this position of will there. And I've done it. And so I know that it's all good. It's
really, really powerful. And whenever I ask anyone to do, I just put the little caveat
upfront of be careful what you wish for because it might just come true.
[00:04:19] And I've had multiple occasions with my clients when they refer to these
things and they're like, man, like I've done that or I've got that or I've moved towards
that now. But I was way too scared to put it out there and to do it. But by doing that then
became oh, look. Oh, I guess I can take that bit off I've done now and I've had people
be like, man, like what magic. How did you do this then?
[00:04:43] Why didn't you wrote a letter and it made clear what you wanted and then
you started on the path of getting it that the satisfaction, you know, as a fellow coach
and I know that satisfaction of watching people make that self discovery and they're
doing all the work and you just get to kick back and witness this beautiful
transformation.
[00:05:02] One of my favorite things to do then is to get them to read it. So actually to
read the letter out loud to me so it never has to go to anyone else but to get them to
read it, to then hear the tone in their voice, like, which are the bits that really catch them,
which are the bits that you can tell are really exciting.
[00:05:19] What are the bits that you catch and now that they've put in there that they
really shouldn't have because it's Dolin, it's flat. And what is it? They're really quite
petrified of what they've just put down on paper. But you know that it's in the good way
of, oh, no, no, no, there's something there. Like, let's poke, let's prod. What else is
hidden there?
[00:05:35] How how might this experience reflect your own journey?
[00:05:41] Yeah, entirely. I got stuck in my last proper job. I'll call it a proper job, the one
I didn't really like back in London three years ago. And I ran out of options. I just didn't
think I had any choices to make. I had an on paper really good job and benefits paid
relatively well that I was good at. And I was miserable and I didn't see a way out like I
spent a long time just assuming that this was where I'd got to. And therefore, like the
next step, I thought I knew what it was and it wasn't making me happy. And it wasn't
until my coach prompted me to do the version of this exercise. And I remember feeling
sick and scared and petrified to put down on paper what I really wanted my life to look
like, because it was so far different to the life I was living. And there's plenty of people
we would be like, what? You have nothing to complain about. Shut up! Moaning So to
allow myself to write down what I really wanted to be doing. Like, it felt quite gratuitous. I
felt ungrateful for everything I had. And yet it was the start of what became just huge
shift in my life. A year on from writing my letter, just about everything in the letter had
come true other than the place where I was living. At no point in my life did I expect to
be living in Shanghai, Shanghai.
[00:07:06] We'll get back to that. Okay. What materialised?
[00:07:09] So I moved location, so I left London with my family. I have three small kids,
so we upped sticks from our very nice, very comfortable life in suburban London. So
we'd relocated to Shanghai. I had stopped working in the jobs that I did. I had somehow
miraculously, without even really trying. Got offered a part time coaching and consulting
job for the company I used to work for in London, but to the team in Shanghai. I set my
own hours. I was able to take my kids to and from school.
[00:07:39] I wasn't travelling away for work, for being on projects. So I was there. I'd
started writing for online publications. And I had clients, though, coming to me to be
coach to help them make transitions out of where they thought they were stuck and
couldn't move from it. Yeah, everything changed and it just amazed me and it made me
realise that I can change again in any way I want to. If I can just actually work out what it
is that I want to do.
[00:08:06] Was there a day, a year on from writing that letter that you stopped and
looked around and said, oh my, I have it?
[00:08:15] Not so much. So I have it. But I think I must put a diary reminder in that I'd
written this letter and it pinged back up because I knew when I wrote it that it was
something special. So I got it back out again, and I hadn't really paid much attention to
it. It's not like I had it pinned on a PIN board and was referring to on a regular basis. And
I literally got to out at the beginning of the April. So it was six months into living in
Shanghai. And I read it and it was literally a case of taking off. Bit by bit as to what had
changed and more like how I was feeling, how I was spending my time. The things that I
was actually investing my energy in. And I realized that I was investing my energy in
places that were benefitting me like that were of service to me, and that were massively
more says to other people than where I had been there before. And I was just happier.
[00:09:04] There is something I'll use the word magical, but I'm sure there's something
more scientific behind it of writing it down, just writing it down.
[00:09:14] For me, it's a really big thing. I'm still very much a pen and paper, so all of my
notes. But it just makes it real. It puts a little bit more weight and solidity behind it. Just
being a thought or just being a dream. You've got to put some words around it to
articulate it. You've got to give it a shape and a color tone that when it's just floating
around in your head like it's slightly out of reach, you can't quite grab it. But when you
write it down and you make it real, like it's one step farther along, like you've
acknowledged it to a piece of paper, like you've opened your heart or your head just a
little bit and it suddenly got a little more weight behind it.
[00:09:50] It's starting to take some form.
[00:09:52] Yeah, that's the first step. And if you can do that first step, then what's the
next tiny thing you can do in the direction of what you want?
[00:10:01] Well, in something I want to underline here, you've said this a couple of
times. It's small steps. It's not making huge sweeping changes. It's making small micro
steps towards your goal.
[00:10:12] Yes. From my letter, the first thing that presented itself was an information
talk on the subject of coaching. And I'd been nervously going around the coaching
edges. British people don't do coaching. We have a cup of tea or a pint. You don't do
coaching. And there was an intimation, one that was on a day when I wasn't working.
And it was, well, what harm would it do if I were to get on a train and go into London and
just go for these two hours? That was the big decision I made. And it wasn't like it's one
small thing. I'll say it's two hours. If it's a disaster, it's two. And from that came the next
small thing that I chose to do. And it's I became really aware that it was just about the
next thing I chose. Could I choose differently? Could I choose in a different direction to I
have before to just see what happened, because knowing then that I could choose one
thing and then from that point I would have the next crossroads or the next four to then
be like, okay. Where do I go from here? So at the end, it wasn't ever a step to the end
goal. It was just the next step along whatever path was kind of coming towards me.
[00:11:10] Well, and it isn't about having to make all the decisions at one time. You
make one step and it's not the overarching commitment locking yourself in for the rest of
your life. It's just that next small commitment and then you get to be in choice.
[00:11:25] Yeah, for me, it was a huge thing about being in choice. I had forgotten that I
could choose. I had completely forgotten. I had things in my power that I could make
different choices. Like I thought I had stepped onto this particular path and that that was
set and that there was way too much at risk. And then to remember that I could just
choose differently. For one thing, I'd completely forgotten the idea that I could choose.
And when I remembered that I could just make different choices all over the place. But
they're all tiny. But I could I could choose to say something rather than not say
something and siege or I could choose to try something new just to see what happened.
Rubble sticking on exactly the same as I'd always done. And each conscious choice
that I made would build another little step on that. Oh, OK. Yeah, you can do this as
well.
[00:12:11] And also, you make that small step, you try something, you experiment and
you go, OK. That's not the direction I want to go. So it also helps you clear out some of
the underbrush.
[00:12:22] Yeah. And because the small steps is not so scary to step backward, step
differently again. Exactly. Right. Next step.
[00:12:28] Yeah. So I'd like to bring us forward to today. You know, this was three years
ago. So what's a recent professional or personal when you've experienced.
[00:12:39] I had a magical cup of coffee with a wonderful lady. Expat communities are
odd places and you get bundled together with a bunch of people and they're actually
quite sociable. And I say a lot of yeses out here to things that I would never have done
before. But it's you know, it's nice to have people around that speak English and you
can do so. Over a year ago. Actually, a friend invited us to a New Year's party with the
kids. And I met this lovely lady there, and she was someone that I had an instant
reaction to it. We should make time. She'd have coffee. We should. For some reason, it
never quite happened. And then just before Christmas, she messaged me and I was
like, look, I'm free literally right now. Should we just go down the road and have a
coffee? And from this, how are you what have you done over the past year? What's
your news? Came this idea of what could we do together? She works at the community
center, which is next part support network out here. And she's like, we're looking to
change things up. And I mentioned I was a coach. She had said she had no idea. And I
was like, well, what if once you sourced all the, like, basics or Shanghai life, what if you
want to work out what you can really do then as like the supporting spouse, the person
who's ended up out here because you're all the horse has got a job here. And it was,
again, getting people here to realize that you may only have two or three years here, but
actually what you want to choose to do with this. And we designed this thing on a piece
of paper over a coffee and like half an hour, she took it to her boss.
[00:14:00] Her boss said a couple of questions. We answered those questions together.
And I'm like three weeks on from this now. And it's being advertised and it's just been
put out into the world and it'll start in March. That's amazing. It moved so quickly and
then it came out of the blue.
[00:14:15] And it I'm so excited by the idea of getting, you know, eight, ten people who
are out here and looking to create something new and to build a little community of
people who all in the same space and want to be like the cheerleaders for each other.
As to what do you want to do out here? Like how do we make it happen? Because there
are so many crazy success stories of people who were like, I quite fancy this show I
have a go to yet out here and the networks that it's you know, you don't have to sit here
and think that you've got three years and you've just got to sit it out. You can really do
some amazing stuff. So that got me a huge win.
[00:14:48] Congratulations. Thank you. I can't wait to hear how that goes. So as
listeners of this podcast know, this is the point in the podcast where we take it low. Do
you have a recent professional or personal struggle you'd like to share?
[00:15:04] I'm really keen to do more work in the corporate space and just feeling like
more could be done to support people in jobs to make them find their way to be happier
in the space, take better care of them. I have spent time trying to develop a little
corporate package of how you could get leadership management, senior teams to really
take on people concerns in the business and tackle them to change culture and
engagement and empowerment in the offices out here. And I've really struggled and I've
tried so hard and I'm so passionate about it because I know that if you can up
engagement, if you can find a way to really connect with people and and there's a real
feeling that that is not the time for it out here, that things are too fast, that the
opportunities go by so quickly that everyone is focusing on the business. And I just
catch that bit of business and that bit of business. And you know what? When it settles
down a bit, then we'll start doing like the soft people stuff. And it's it's so hard because it
made me really question at times like the value. We're trying to do this work corporately
and trying to do it in that space.
[00:16:10] And I've had my Farrall doubts over that, like, it's just not going to work. And
only really big companies can get this to work. And it's it's also knock me on a personal
level as to, you know, maybe you're just not good enough at this yet. You're not selling
it. Right. You haven't got the influence to have these conversations with people out
here. So the acting kicked down to it and it questions me. And it's literally a case of
having to, like, pick myself up and dust myself off again and just think, OK. So that place
isn't ready for this yet right now. What can I learn? What can I reshape? How can I take
what I was proposing? Have a little look at it. Give it another critical eye. What's wrong?
Or like what needs to be tweaked and then who's the next person I can try and have this
conversation with. But I'm determined that I will find somewhere and a smallish
company that really does want to put the employee focus on the business first and see
what that does actually for the growth and the development of the company. I'm just
going to keep knocking on doors until I find someone who wants to take that step.
[00:17:08] Well, so what? How are you keeping yourself positive? How are you picking
yourself up off the ground, dusting yourself off and moving forward?
[00:17:17] So. So my kids do a lot of sports. And so I had a lot of dead time when they
were doing football. And there are a couple of other moms in the same position as me.
And I don't even know where it started. But we realize she would just go for a jog
around the block. She would just move while they're doing it. And then we'll go get a
coffee. And this is grown into there are three of us to do it now, somewhere between
two and four times a week when the kids are playing soccer. And we did 20 minutes.
Twenty five. I think we did 30 this week. But we bring to the table whatever's on our
mind that day. It's literally it's like we we throw out between the three of us and
somehow we solve the world's problems. Clearly the world was left to us, three ladies.
We'd be in a much better place. We take those 30 minutes to vent whatever's on ahead,
resolve the issues, the frustrations, because we don't know each other in each other's
day to day lives. So it's this space of sensible and we can understand. But nothing you
say to me is gonna get back to like the people you work with or the people that you
actually spend your day to day hours with. And we write everything off. And I never
would have thought. But it gives me a space to clear that separate like my husband
doesn't need to herald my musings every day. No good for us. My kids have no interest
and I don't have the ability to just get on the phone to friendship because of time
differences, it's harder. So I now love. I love my running group. I still hate running. I love
my running group. And I've noticed that it's easier to clear some problems when I'm
moving. And then a really good ice coffee at the end of the run. That was quite wealthy.
[00:18:49] Not a tea or a pint. No, it's not so easy over her face. Do you have for women
going into the workplace, starting their own businesses? What advice do you give?
[00:19:00] I would say and it's interesting because I'm going to go and give a talk at the
high school on Monday about that Career Choice Day. And so there are people talking
about being a doctor or being a dentist or being whatever. And I've got to talk. I don't
know what to do. What do I do? At my suggestion to them, get curious. Get curious
about what you're interested in, what lights you up, but go find out about yourself. If
you're really brave, ask a selection of the people who know you. What do you come to
me for? What are my strengths and see what they say and just get curious about what
makes you happy and how you spend your time. Because whatever you're gonna do in
the workforce, you're going to do it for a lot of years and a lot of hours. So money really
isn't going to be the answer to all of that. So dig around, do as much, trying to get you to
know yourself and how you want to spend your time. More than anything else. I think
that's my biggest pieces. Yeah. Get curious.
[00:19:55] That is excellent and wise advice. Thank you. So, Nicky, what makes you of
rogo?
[00:20:04] My ability to make the conscious choices these days. I try and stop the
default decision making these days. The assumption that there is an answer that is
preset and that is just what I have to go is most things get questioned now and they get
a question from a perspective as to whether they saw me or not. If they don't serve me,
it's going to take an awful lot to convince me that it's the right thing to do.
[00:20:28] I wish people could see your face if you are serious about this.
[00:20:33] Yeah, I'm more of a pain of pain in the arse these days that show. But I'm
happy for a man.
[00:20:38] Love it. So we're coming to the ends, which is sad. I love talking with you.
What question do you wish I would have asked that I didn't. Which is the should.
Shouldn't I have done. Which are the should. That you shouldn't have done. It's hard to
say yes.
[00:20:57] I shouldn't have done the law at university. And I was told that I should do it
because there's a good degree. That's true. Just didn't have any interest in it. And I
shouldn't have carried on in my old job for as long as I have. And the sheds were all
about. It was a good path. On paper, it looked really good. Like I should keep it because
it paid well or should keep it because it had benefits. Yeah. And I'm really wary of
shouldn't these days. Most should I think nowadays need to get all questioning around
whether they really should or shouldn't.
[00:21:31] Very nice. Yes. Nikki, thank you so much for taking the time to talk with me.
[00:21:37] And I know it's extremely late where you are right now. So I am eternally
grateful for you and knowing you. And thank you very much for sharing your wisdom
with us.
[00:21:47] You doing this makes me smile. And I am unbelievably honored to be a part
of the growing virago. What's the word? I will say. It's not a club. It's not quite a cult.
Sisterhood, unity, sisterhood. It's just such a pleasure to see your face and to talk to
you. And I cannot wait to see you again soon.
[00:22:11] Thank you, my Viragos, for listening to the I Am Virago podcast. Check out new episodes every Tuesday. If you have ideas or suggestions of whom you'd like to hear from on this podcast, go to IAmVirago.com and leave a message. And remember, you are Virago.