In this week’s podcast meet Tara Gray. Her story is both heartbreaking and inspiring. As a high performing and well-respected Learning and Org Development leader at a large Fortune 100 company, Tara found herself in a baffling situation. A male subordinate was behind multiple false charges against her in less than one year, including sexual harassment. Vindicated in the first three investigations, she was ultimately terminated…but only after she expressed to management in writing she was being harassed. Hear how being harassed, and discriminated/retaliated against made her feel her identity was stripped away and wanting to die, how she has managed to pull herself out of the despair, and how she is now fighting for all women to shine a light on the dysfunctional systems we endure.
Originally published Sep 5, 2018
| Transcript link |
In this week’s podcast meet Tara Gray. Her story is both heartbreaking and inspiring. As a high performing and well-respected Learning and Org Development leader at a large Fortune 100 company, Tara found herself in a baffling situation. A male subordinate was behind multiple false charges against her in less than one year, including sexual harassment. Vindicated in the first three investigations, she was ultimately terminated…but only after she expressed to management in writing she was being harassed. Hear how being harassed, and discriminated/retaliated against made her feel her identity was stripped away and wanting to die, how she has managed to pull herself out of the despair, and how she is now fighting for all women to shine a light on the dysfunctional systems we endure.
National Women’s Law Center - Workplace
Janice Lichtenwaldt: [00:00:09] Welcome back to the I Am Virago podcast, where we get real about the struggle. Drop the occasional F-bomb and hear how amazing Virago women imperfectly navigate the world around them.
[00:00:20] Today's guest, Tara Gray, works in learning and organizational development, and strategic change to help organizations perform better. Tara shares a profoundly difficult story with us about how she was portrayed by the system that was supposed to protect her and the devastating impact it's had. She also shares how she is emerging from this heartbreak into positive action to support all women within this dysfunctional system. Join me for a very personal conversation of loss, surrender, and redemption.
Tara Gray: [00:00:51] My name is Tara Gray and pay the bills I do learning, organization development, and strategic change to help organizations and people be better at their job. I'm passionate, actually, about that space, about that field. I'm also very passionate about addressing something that happened to me in my past in the workplace. So one fixing that so that it's better for the future.
JL: [00:01:20] Would you mind telling us a little more about what the situation was? Or is.
Tara Gray: [00:01:25] Basically, I'm pretty good. I'm good at my job and at this oil and gas company, I was valued for not being an engineer, not being the oil and gas industry. Yet I was able to create a Learning and OD program and function to help develop their capital project practitioners to do their job, which is pretty incredible, especially in a male-dominated environment, to come in and for them to recognize this whole body of knowledge and practice around Learning and change. I was very highly regarded both on the results I delivered, what I was able to do, and also my behaviors. And somebody on my team expressed he was interested in my job and over the course of a year, but I'm finding out it's longer than a year, evidently he was manipulating things to take my job and he charged me with sexual harassment.
JL: [00:02:14] He charged you with sexual harassment?
Tara Gray: [00:02:16] Yes. Which that was debilitating in itself to be accused of that by somebody, let alone that my husband I thought were friends. Like he and his wife and I would go out to dinner. After the investigation was done and I was exonerated, they also identified that they were lies, false accusations, and he was actually manipulating the team to turn against me, telling lies. He actually approached my manager and then they brought me into the meeting where he pressed my manager saying that he would drop the sexual harassment charge if he became a supervisor. So quid pro quo. H.R. Legal recognized that as well. So again, the lying in the manipulation of the team.
[00:02:56] And all that, they said that they were going to discipline him, but then they came around and said, no, they weren't going to discipline him. So he was able to continue the behavior. Then he submitted another charge against me.
JL: [00:03:08] Another charge?
Tara Gray: [00:03:10] Another charge. This time it was accusing me of telling lies against him. And there were some other charges in there. Now it a different investigator. That investigator didn't even know about the previous investigation, but he admitted that they were all lies, that it was him that submitted the charge and instructed me to not do anything, to not react to which I said, How much longer is going to go on? Because I'm getting tired of this and it's getting really hard for me to do my job when nothing's being done. And he said they're going to discipline and expect other charges to come forth. And I said again, how am I supposed to deal with this and being able to perform and run my team and yet get the credibility back from my team because you guys are interviewing my team through all these investigations, which is causing me to lose credibility. And again, he reiterated just don't react. They typically don't discipline people more than one time. Sure enough, when they discipline him, I had not one but two other charges come against me. This is all within a year, a one year time period from January through November.
Janice Lichtenwaldt: [00:04:20] What a terrible situation.
Tara Gray: [00:04:22] And then I didn't know about the fourth investigation, but the third investigation was around contractors and financial stuff. And I had produced all kinds of documentation that whatever I was being accused of was not me. And that was a third investigator, a different investigator. And in that investigation she, towards the end, she alluded that there was another investigation that came up. And actually, I asked about the third investigation. I told her I was being harassed and I wanted it to stop. She didn't do anything or didn't react.
[00:04:49] When I was informed of the fourth investigation. I reiterated I am being harassed and this needs to stop. She didn't do anything. So then I submitted the email to my manager, my general manager that this is the fourth investigation. I'm being harassed. Towards the end of her interview with me, she didn't know I had submitted the harassment e-mail yet.
JL: [00:05:11] This is H.R. investigator?
Tara Gray: [00:05:13] This is the internal investigator. During the end of the fourth investigation and she asked me questions that made me think like everything was done. There was stuff like, what would you like to do with the future of your career at the organization? And I said, wait, are you telling me that everything that I'm OK? She says I can't say too much, I just want to know what you would like to do with your future, with your career here. Again, indicating everything's fine. So that's one of the questions. So then two weeks later, I get a call from her in a very different demeanor asking me about the email I sent my manager and general manager. As well as asking me about some other documentation I submitted.
[00:05:56] I didn't recognize at the time what was going on. I thought she was just upset for whatever reason. Then my manager, the attorney who's overseeing the third and fourth investigation, H.R. manager, and the president of the organization for which I worked, all met. And then a month later, they pulled me in the room, my general manager and H.R. manager, and said, the investigation's over. And my general manager, who I had a very close relationship with said with a very heavy heart, we're letting you go. And they cited reasons which were not true. And they kept the guy on my team who HR knew that he was a liar, that he had poor behaviors. They kept him.
[00:06:38] And I didn't recognize at the time. But over the course of the last couple of years, I've recognized not only was I harassed, treated differently, discriminated against, but I was retaliated against. Not only did I have the betrayal of what I thought was a friend at the time, but it was also betrayal by an organization, and entities that you think would protect you. But they did not. And as I'm learning, as I'm fighting this, the system outside of that, working with attorneys to try to work on this and fix this, working through the EEOC is also broken and not really there to help support women to succeed and thrive in what I am now realizing, awakened to, that we are not treated equally. We are still discriminated against in the workplace and it's hidden.
JL: [00:07:26] So this was something that you were not aware of until now?
Tara Gray: [00:07:31] I was not aware of at all until this happened to me.
JL: [00:07:34] And how has this incident impacted you?
Tara Gray: [00:07:39] I came home that day and I walked through our door of our house. My husband, I called him. I said I was just terminated. And I walked through the door and he was there to greet me. And that's- I started crying and I dropped to the floor. I said I just felt so broken. And I actually wanted to die. I wanted to die- I felt like I lost my identity as a person, as a female, my work, my husband, I felt like I failed him. And as a Christian. I lost my sense of identity. My work was my identity. You could argue whether that's right or wrong because I have a wonderful home, a wonderful husband. There are other things in my life that I'm blessed with and thankful for. But at that time, unfortunately, I worshiped work and I did very well and I was very good at it.
JL: [00:08:36] Well, and it also sounds like it's not just making widgets. You're actually helping others grow and learn. I mean, it's not just a job, right?
Tara Gray: [00:08:48] I even ran away, Janice. I felt like an injured animal that, you know, like they don't want to burden anybody and so they just run away. I ran away.
JL: [00:08:57] What do you mean ran away?
Tara Gray: [00:08:59] I got on a plane and went somewhere else.
JL: [00:09:01] You literally ran and you packed a bag and ran away.
Tara Gray: [00:09:05] Yes. I didn't even want to work anymore. I don't want to be around people I didn't want to do. I remember even Charles when I did come to my senses and came back home and he had some nice words with me.
JL: [00:09:18] Please don't run away again?
Tara Gray: [00:09:19] Well, that's being nice because I didn't recognize how much that also hurt him. [Yeah.] And thank God I have him in my life for that moment. I didn't appreciate everything we had gone through and the partnership that we have and the love that we have. You know, he and God have been my stabilizing force in this. There have been other people. Therapists. There's been you. But I would say without God and Charles, I don't know how I would have been able to get through this.
JL: [00:09:47] So let's talk a little bit about where this has taken you. So this happened. You are in the process of fighting this. What is your hope for the outcome?
Tara Gray: [00:09:58] There's some personal. And then there's some bigger picture. Personal is, I want the truth to come out and I want the general manager to know the truth. I want my team members to know the truth. I want the organization to know the truth. So some vindication there. [Mm hmm.] Bigger picture-wise, I want people to know that this happened and it can't happen. And I want to be able to prevent it from happening again. And I think knowing this story, I'm still going through it but perhaps there's some system things that need to be addressed. Whether is attorneys or legal or policy changes, government changes. Law changes. There's also seems a lack of support. There's not like a network of people I could talk to and have a conversation about this and how do I work through this and address this.
JL: [00:10:49] So you feel pretty alone right now?
Tara Gray: [00:10:51] I do. I feel very alone. Whether that's because people cope with it differently than I cope with it, like just moving on with life. Whether that people have signed nondisclosure agreements and can't talk about it. I don't know. You know, I'm pretty confident in my job, my career, but I'm not very confident in this. I'm learning as I go.
JL: [00:11:14] The fact that you are open in seeking that knowledge and that learning is really amazing. And you clearly hit a very low point and you sound like you're coming up the other side. How have you gotten here?
Tara Gray: [00:11:30] Again, I think it's God and Charles. If they weren't there to help give me the strength to probably at least get to the point where, OK, I can survive. I could live. And now let me start seeking help from others, because it did get to a point where Charles was getting- I could sense he was getting frustrated, like, I'm tired of this. You know you can imagine like not only was it before I was tormented, all that drama but then afterward, six months later, still talking about it. Still struggling through it. And I sensed that OK He's getting frustrated. So I went to a therapist.
JL: [00:12:08] So you sought additional help?
Tara Gray: [00:12:10] Oh, I did, yes. Which was comforting, one, and it also helped. So comforting from the standpoint when I shared the story, what I was struggling through validating.
JL: [00:12:19] You didn't imagine that this happened to you,
Tara Gray: [00:12:21] Right. Or that my struggling through it is because of some sort of inadequacy that I have.
[00:12:27] You're struggling through it because it's hard and terrible.
Tara Gray: [00:12:30] Yes. But you endured. That's horrible. And that's trauma. You basically went through trauma. Right. So it validated that. And then how do I get now to the other side or start getting to the other side? And so I think that the next step was the therapy. And then I think the other key part of it, taking the CTI courses, which she encouraged me, it was kind of like now that I was starting to look at my future now and maybe what do you want to do in your future? So I started taking the CTI coaching courses. That helped me recognize some things and learn some tools and perspectives. And then taking Leadership, I think, helped tremendously. Whether it was meeting people like you or even things I learned in the courses, that was like it helped me get past some of the challenges I was still going through in my brain.
JL: [00:13:19] And having followed your path for a while, you're not only surviving now, you're fighting a good fight on behalf of yourself and other women. Can you talk a little bit more about that?
Tara Gray: [00:13:31] Yes, because I, I see this as something and maybe it's because of my background and my passion for fixing organizations. I see this dysfunctional system and I see it needs to be fixed for the greater good. And I feel like it's something that I'm being lead to do. It's interesting because when my first set of attorneys, they wanted to settle and they did everything they possibly could to convince me to settle. And it came to the point I had this visceral reaction. No.
JL: [00:14:04] So settling would have meant you would have gotten a lump sum of money and they would have gotten paid, but you would have gotten paid. But the money was not the reason you were fighting this.
Tara Gray: [00:14:14] That's exactly right. And that's part of the dysfunctional system, as I learned, is that the attorneys seem to want just the money. Right. And they want the quick money. And I think that's part of the dysfunctional system. So I feel this pull I'm drawn to not only for me, but for the future, because it's made me realize that all the giants, all the heavy work that others in the past, and this is part of my awareness, I don't know how much had gone into addressing women's equality in the past. So my journey and discovering all this, that's been a wake-up call. And so part of my awareness is, oh, crap. This has been going on for almost two centuries. [Yeah.] And we're still here. And when is this going to end? When is this going to end and when can we not have stuff like this happen? And part of me wants to know why it happens.
JL: [00:15:08] And you're talking about, you know, when is this going to end? And you're not just sitting back asking the question. You're leaning in and doing things to help bring it to an end. To help improve the system.
Tara Gray: [00:15:19] Because awareness is one of the keys to improvement. Whether you look at an organization or an individual, self-awareness is key to helping improve things. And I think people are aware that this happens still and then we can start having a conversation. And it's not about a war. It's more like let's have a conversation and how can we actually fix this so it doesn't happen again.
JL: [00:15:44] You've taken on some big issues and you're doing great work with it. What advice would you have for young women entering the workforce today?
Tara Gray: [00:15:56] I think the one thing is having an awareness that it can happen.
JL: [00:16:00] And when you say it?
Tara Gray: [00:16:01] It being that we are not necessarily treated equally, that there is a possibility that you will be considered unequal, that you could be retaliated against. And awareness of that and to not be scared, not to fight it all the time, but be aware and that when you think you see it or experience it Or a hint of it. It's almost like, you know, I actually learned at this company that adage of trust but verify. Right. So it's like trust, but don't take it for granted. But when the system or those who are in charge of having the Custodio of taking care of you, we'll take care of you. It's like trust. But at the same time, don't rely on that trust all the time. So there's going to be times that you're going to have to stand up for yourself. And I didn't do that enough in my situation. I trusted too much. And I should have done more to stand up for myself.
JL: [00:17:01] So your advice is to stand up for yourself? [Yeah. Yeah.] You know, we all have different areas of personal development that we're working on. What is an area that you're working on right now and how are you going about that?
Tara Gray: [00:17:16] I would answer that question. And I think this is where CTI, the Leadership, is giving me clarity. And this is I have, as they call it, a leader quest. And I have a personal leader quest and I have a professional leader quest, the professional leader quest. I feel like I need that as a vindication of me as a competent female individual human and the learning and organization development, strategic change face. I lost that down the bottom. Now I'm trying to climb back up. Right. And I need that vindication for me personally.
[00:17:49] It's through this journey. People have seen me one. I was a person who held myself in high regard, competent, a Christian wife, female. And this experience brought me down on, again, that ladder. And through this journey, people have said that they see me and they see me higher than I see myself. [Yes] I am right now trying to work on how do I realize that? That's very hard for me to let positive feedback and comments land. That was not an issue in the past. Not that I was had a huge ego. It just was when somebody complimented me, I would say thank you. You know, I might be a little modest with it and not brag about it, but I would say, OK, great. I like seeing that feedback or hearing that feedback that propels me to move forward. Now, when I read it or see it or receive it, it almost makes me want to hide. And that's because I don't see myself there and I need to build myself back up. [Mm hmm.] So I'm working on that. I'm also working on regaining the strength I have. I mean, going from I wanted to die and run away to No, I'm standing up and I'm standing strong and I'm not going to be a bully, but I'm going to stand strong. And we're going to do what we need to do and be what I need to be and whatever is needed.
[00:19:19] It's very inspiring. Tara, this is the I Am Virago podcast. What makes you a virago?
[00:19:27] I think I am a virago. I was once courageous and principled and wise and then my situation tarnished all that. Professionally and personally. And I felt buried. I wanted to be buried. And now I'm trying to recover. I have been trying to recover. And now it's going on two and a half years to be courageous and principled and passionate and strong.
JL: [00:19:54] Tara, you are all of those things right now.
Tara Gray: [00:19:59] (Laughs) Thank you.
JL: [00:20:01] Yeah. Well, Tara, it has been a pleasure to have you on the podcast. And your story is tragic. And unfortunately, I think it's way more common than we understand about how people and women get railroaded. And what I find inspiring about your story is you're not just sitting down and letting it go. You are standing up and saying, no, this is not right and I'm going to do something about it. If not me, who? And that is very, very inspiring. And I wish you much luck on your continued journey.
Tara Gray: [00:20:41] Thank you, Janice.
JL: [00:20:43] All right. Thank you.
Janice Lichtenwaldt: [00:20:48] Thank you, my Viragos, for listening to the I Am Virago podcast. Check out new episodes every Tuesday. If you have ideas or suggestions of who'd you'd like to hear from on this podcast, go to IAmVirago.com and leave a message. And remember, you are a Virago.